I'm a cad. A fop, an exquisite. A libertine aesthete of such magnificent decadence and aristocratic tastes that I have been known to attend 10 am church services attired in dinner jacket, dress shirt and bow tie. And immaculately pressed trousers, of course.

As such I consider it my duty to educate those of our congregations who are a little less refined in the ways of the Decadent Christian. Throughout time, it has been believed that the Decadent's belief in the Epicurean delights this world has to offer has no place in the austere congregations of post-Victorian Christianity. It is my proud claim that I am able to show you, lucky readers of Christis, my brief guide to Christianity for Chaps. We will approach this by looking at some of those things which the true aesthete holds dear, and applying them to the Church. Thus begins our Verneian voyage of delights:

1. Drugs

It is a sad fact that the great poets of yore would have been nothing without Pantagruelian drug habits which inspired and fuelled their genius. Where would Coleridge have been without opium, Huxley without Mescaline, Hunter S. Thompson without every illegal substance known to man? Nowhere! And well you might ask how the Christian is to stoke the fires of his own Muse without the aid of such substances as the Church considers depraved and licences to evil.

My suggestion is quite straightforward. Cultivate the simple pleasures of communion wine. Allow your taste buds to indulge in flights of fancy over the delicate subtleties of that sacred liquid. Learn to appreciate the sweet tang of the Anglican's sherry, the almost Ribena-esque qualities of Methodism's alcohol-free, the piquant cheekiness of the Hungarian red at the URC. For the true connoisseur, the Baptist chapel in Harrods dispenses specially-imported Italian foccacia with a rather pleasant Chateau Lafitte 1984.

2. Sex

The Bible is pretty clear about this. Just say no. However, the libidinous cad may find many pleasures in the licentious glance along the pew. I want your hand in marriage, this glance says, while merely hinting at the astounding feats of sexual ecstacy and exploration to come should it be returned. And, of course, the widely-accepted ban on premarital sexual intercourse still allows the ancient and, lately, much-neglected rite of courtship to be well used. As you hand that special person their coffee after the service, allow your eyes to meet and fingers to brush in a brief, yet deeply charged, moment of pure passion a la Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in Brief Encounter. Indeed, if when exchanging a heartfelt "Peace be with you" at the appropriate juncture in the service, you do not hear the strains of Rachmaninov echoing in your ears, I would suggest you are a proletarian bumpkin of the lowest order and unworthy of reading this fine article.

3. Giving

How does the twenty-first century gentleman balance his desire to give generously and willingly to God with all the requisites which his busy social schedule requires - cravates, fencing lessons and some small gambling losses? Well, leaving aside the dubious moral rectitude inherent in any game of chance (according to that crashing bore Oliver Cromwell at any rate) I can only suggest that you give as generously as you can, but do so through creative giving. Thus do not drop a banknote into the collection plate, but a silk handerchief or small silver snuffbox. The creative possibilities here are endless, and I thus leave them to your imagination.

4. Miscellaneous thoughts

Try some slightly Dadaist approaches to your worship life. Shave crosses into your eyebrows, sideburns, moustache and any other bodily hair that takes your fancy. Do not smoke tobacco, but attempt to smoke incence in your pipe for an expression simultaneously of religious mysticism with English gentlemanly rectitude. And finally, affect an expression which alternates from ironic amusement to deep spiritual ecstacy. Your minister will be either gratified or terrified.

I trust the above thoughts have edified and amused you. I must away now, to see a man about a dog with the image of St Peter miraculously present on its nose.

Fare thee well.